In just five weeks, the country will be converging on polling stations to vote in the general election. In the meantime, the major political parties will be touring the country in their ‘battle buses’, eager to convince voters to pick them on 12 December. If you haven’t ordered your party bus, you’re leaving it a little late. Here’s a guide to choosing the right one.
Jo’s on the go
Today, the Liberal Democrats have unveiled their new party bus. But this isn’t just any Liberal Democrats ‘battle bus’, this is Jo Swinson’s Liberal Democrats ‘battle bus’.
Choose the right bus
To avoid a party political breakdown, make sure you choose a bus that’s strong and stable. A future fare for all. Or something.
Choose a bus that reflects your values
To ensure the electorate feels at one with your party, choose a bus that reflects your values and beliefs. This Communist Party of the Russian Federation propaganda bus may work for you, comrade.
Paint it the right colour
Painting the bus in the colours of your political party is a good idea. Including an illustration of where voters should place their cross should avoid any unwanted spoilt ballots.
Choose your words
Choosing a memorable slogan is another winning idea. Either that or this is an instruction to the bus driver.
Avoid waffle
A message to all political parties putting together their next election broadcast: avoid waffle.
Honesty is the best policy
If you’re going to put a political message on the side of your bus, make sure you’re prepared to stand by it, weeks, months and even years down the line.
Forward, together
The ‘Straight Talk Express’: a bus that’s not for turning. No U-turns, no backtracking and no manifesto reversals.
Make sure your message stands out
If you can’t get your hands on a Big Yellow Taxi or Yellow Submarine, a Big Yellow Bus with a big message ought to do the trick.
Give yourself a platform
As any title-winning football team will testify, a bus gives you a great opportunity to build a rapport with your fans.
Give yourself a platform
Yep, fans love open-top buses…
Clowning around
You’ve just got to make sure you don’t come across as clowns.
In the country
What’s the point of having a bus if you don’t use it to reach out to the floating votes in rural areas? Get out there, get stuck in and don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty.
Perfect your hand gesture
When you exit the bus, make sure you’ve perfected your patriotic and ‘on the road to victory’ hand gestures.
Face values
Make sure you include a stonking great photo of your face on the side of the bus. That way, when you arrive in town in your ‘just stepped out of the back garden clothes’, the electorate will know that it’s you.
Creating the right impression
Once on the bus, make sure there are flowers on the table, a copy of a book that reflects your values, and a tie. Removing your tie is only slightly behind rolling up your sleeves on the list of things that show you mean business.
Keep the bus clean
Keeping the bus clean is essential. If you can put your hands on a beach towel to use for cleaning purposes, even better.
Don’t be afraid to go smaller
If your political coffers can’t stretch to a full-fat ‘battle bus’, don’t be afraid to use something smaller. It’s what you say, not how you say it.
A fare deal for all
If in doubt, give your bus a splash of colour and park it somewhere prominent. Avoid bus stops, unless you’re prepared to offer lifts to people making their way back to the park-and-ride on the edge of town.